onsdag den 30. juni 2010

sam pink and virgin orgasms / "stimulate my intellectual clitoris"

made a discovery today through a little book I got in the mail from flamme forlag.
it consisted of short stories made by sam pink translated to norwegian by audun mortensen.
the title of the original book these short stories come from is I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT

the excerps under are from one of his many great blogs.
the blog that these are taken from is called virgin orgasm.

love these little oneliners.


surprise! we're going to Sybaris for a romantic weekend of riding slides into hot tubs full of champagne
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 1 notes

getting mail is a better way of confirming that you haven't become invisible than running into a wall is.
♥ sam pink 1 notes

stimulate my intellectual clitoris
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 1 notes

you strut like a stallion but you fuck like a mule
♥ olivia robin 1 notes

i have devoted my life to the clitoris
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

uhhhnnn, caress me down
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 6 notes

this blog will self-destruct
♥ ryan manning 3 notes

you are uninteresting but good at sex so i'll let you stick around
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 1 notes

my hands are cold let me put them in your mouth
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

i use masturbation as a means of avoiding despair
♥ ryan manning 4 notes

i want to vibrate my membranes against yours in the eleventh dimension. string theory, bitches.
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 1 notes

when i was eating some generic lucky charms one of the marshmallows stuck to my lip and it fell off and went beneath the couch and i am not going to look for it.
♥ sam pink 1 notes

when i die i want you to snort my ashes. later i will grow out of your hair.
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 0 notes

i just went to rub my tooth and my fingernail slipped up into my gumline and i could feel the gumline tear and now it hurts and i am licking it.
♥ sam pink 2 notes

i like shark bites better than gushers and i like everything too
♥ sam pink 0 notes

ryan manning when it is hot outside i lick the bones of your pelvis clean and they stick to my mouth.
♥ sam pink 0 notes

i am wearing clothes and i have on a shirt that has a big blue stain on it and i think it's from a bic pen--i need to become dead in your car.
♥ sam pink 1 notes

hey ryan manning and hey lisa ladehoff and hey blake butler and hey olivia robin and hey you won't be able to cover up when i start kicking you.
♥ sam pink 3 notes

when i walked out of my room two seconds ago my belt loop caught on the metal device that holds the door closed and the button on my pants is currently not working and i don't know how to fix it and i have to say i am completely ruined.
♥ sam pink 0 notes

hot like the blue line at 8:34 a.m.
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 0 notes

r.i.p. hopes and dreams
♥ olivia robin 3 notes

i like you but you suck at being my muse
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 0 notes

i want to fuck her so hard that her ancestors are offended
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

Lisa 'Left Eye' whatchacallit had her buzzsaw in my yaint
♥ BLAKE BUTLER 1 notes

please send me your vagina on an airplane
♥ ryan manning 4 notes

stop me if you've heard this one before
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

let's get pornographic
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

after you die i will keep paying your phone bill so i can call you and leave messages that you'll never return, it will be just like you are still alive
♥ olivia robin 2 notes

you're still the only person on my list of people i have fondled in a ball pit
♥ olivia robin 0 notes

thank you for liking me despite my inability to date rape you mike tyson style
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

i'm battered, i'm bruised, i've done something rather unfortunate to my coccyx, i'm slightly upset and utterly elated; i'll definitely be doing it again
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

there is no vagina anywhere near my penis and it is making me sad
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

i want to fuck a librarian
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

i am sick and tired of being a hypochondriac.
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 0 notes

not everyone understands online literature
♥ ryan manning 7 notes

there is a monster at the end of this blog
♥ ryan manning 6 notes

i need an intern, lover, muse and masseuse
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

you're so hot you're making me racist
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

i tried to have a tea party with a picture of you but it just kept falling over
♥ olivia robin 2 notes

french films make me want to eat french sandwiches, drink french wine, fuck french girls and take naps
♥ ryan manning 4 notes

the internet is the bathroom wall
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

you have the right to remain sexy
♥ ryan manning 0 notes

fearless consumption of unbaked cookie dough throughout my childhood has equipped me with an invincible immune system
♥ olivia robin 2 notes

tracy brannstrom wears pants
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

subjugate that ass
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

clean your body one piece at a time in the sink and try hard not to be friendly
♥ sam pink 2 notes

easy now, fuzzy little man peach
♥ olivia robin 4 notes

period sex
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 4 notes

why are there commercials for tampons
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 2 notes

ultimately life-threatening
♥ ryan manning 3 notes

get killed you motherfucker
♥ sam pink 0 notes

one person is adequate for booing
♥ sam pink 0 notes

both of your pupils are fly orgies and i want to break your jaw
♥ sam pink 0 notes

angry face and frightened face have sex to kill time because they think it is fun
♥ sam pink 1 notes

being born is like being kidnapped and sold into slavery
♥ olivia robin 2 notes

i can't stop thinking of girls with pigtails as blowjobs with handlebars
♥ olivia robin 2 notes

instant detestation of sexual partner
♥ sam pink 1 notes

i got a job at ben & jerry's and i'm not about to take any of this titty milk bullshit from you PETA assholes but guess my middle name and you can have some free sprinkles
♥ olivia robin 8 notes

jesus christ will somebody get aimée some waffles already
♥ olivia robin 4 notes

you pushed your boner against my buttcheeks and i pretended i was asleep
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 2 notes

i'm sorry i really like you but everyone you know is a spider
♥ olivia robin 0 notes

sam pink might seem like a depraved individual but really he just finds comfort in the obscene because he can't handle how precious he is
♥ olivia robin 2 notes

i keep forgetting to eat
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

make like to me
♥ ryan manning 0 notes

multidimensional date rape
♥ ryan manning 3 notes

today i showered a second time after completely forgetting that i had showered the first time
♥ ryan manning 4 notes

pile drivers kind of turn me on a lot
♥ olivia robin 4 notes

tell your sister i said she fucks like a champ
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

is that a hamster in your pants or are you just happy to see me
♥ ryan manning 3 notes

might as well face it you're addicted to anal
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 0 notes

one day i'm going to respond to everything you say by smacking you in the face with a frozen mini waffle but i know you'll forgive me because you like that thing i do with my tongue
♥ olivia robin 3 notes

i can haz sex slave
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

i'm so hot right now
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

i'd rather rim a meatloaf
♥ olivia robin 0 notes

bouncing quarters off of asses since 1999
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

oh my god oh my god don't stop don't stop
♥ ryan manning 0 notes

lip my stocking
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

dogs get periods too and i am a tired person can i sleep on your lap
♥ sam pink 1 notes

i wish the ghost that rapes me every night would bring twix bars over and like leave them in the fridge for when i wake up
♥ sam pink 2 notes

i hump your butt until all your blood falls into your skull and you have to pinch your nose to keep it all in
♥ sam pink 2 notes

today i was sitting in a chair at a restaurant eating and i felt a little hand on my hand and i turned around and there was a woman holding a baby and the woman said, "he just wants to touch your head" and i said "oh that is fine" and then the baby laughed
♥ sam pink 1 notes

smoke pcp everyday yo
♥ sam pink 0 notes

one time i heard i should look at you while we were fucking because apparently my pupils are all dilated
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 3 notes

HARD.
♥ Lisa Ladehoff 0 notes

how is it even possible that i am not getting laid right now
♥ ryan manning 6 notes

i want you to focus all of your attention on me while you practice being incinerated
♥ ryan manning 0 notes

get the condoms with oprah's head on em
♥ BLAKE BUTLER 0 notes

pressing the elevator button to your floor with my cock made the elevator spurt Shasta
♥ BLAKE BUTLER 0 notes

chewbacca mask for baby keeps its spittle in its head
♥ BLAKE BUTLER 0 notes

happiness is a warm tongue
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

i keep forgetting to shower and brush my teeth
♥ ryan manning 3 notes

i'll give you the best thirty seconds of your life
♥ ryan manning 3 notes

i am destroying my career
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

sam pink and blake butler sitting in a tree
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

shania twain needs to let me feed her with a spoon while she changes my diaper
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

semen is for swallowing
♥ ryan manning 1 notes

olivia robin you are incredibly good looking and you make me feel like i am a worthless old homeless man who has like a lot of dirt on his face and his crotch smells really bad
♥ sam pink 3 notes

clitoral devastation
♥ ryan manning 2 notes

blue light special
♥ ryan manning 3 notes

i understand and i wish to continue
♥ ryan manning 5 notes

in public i will disown you and cough on your face
♥ sam pink 2 notes

i want to make like one of those golf club covers for my dick and make it out of a stuffed animal so my dick doesn't get scratched up
♥ sam pink 1 notes

the worst part about being alive is thinking about it
♥ sam pink 1 notes

i will dance for you wearing a top hat, a red licorice bra and underwear made out of a garbage bag
♥ sam pink 0 notes

torsdag den 10. juni 2010

"hver gang du slår på tv, så er det noen som har laget det du ser på"

vanskelig å gjøre folk til lags

har takket ja til en studieplass ved nordland kunst og filmskole.
mamma sier:
"men jannicke. kommer alle andre til å være 17-18 år da?"
"nei.. det vet jeg ikke. men det er jo ikke en folkehøyskole da."
"ok. men du vet hva som er viktigst?"
"nei...?"
"det er den utdannelsen du har tatt nå. det er derfor du har kommet inn."
"men tror du ikke jeg har kommet inn fordi de kanskje liker mitt kunstneriske uttrykk? eller potensiale?
jeg har jo sendt inn 4 sider med tekst, en bildeserie og to kortfilmer.."
"jo, men de som jobber der har sikkert studert økonomi på cbs."
"nei, mamma. det tror jeg ikke."
"ok, men uansett. det der er bare en viderebygning på økonomien"
"men mamma. det henger ikke sammen."
"jo alt henger sammen."
"nei, ikke dette.."
"jo."
"og økonomien er det viktigste."
"nå har jeg studert noe du og pappa ville at jeg skulle i 3 år. er det ikke på tide at jeg nå velger selv? uten at du skal fortelle meg hva som er "viktigst"..?"
"joda.."
"dessuten skal jeg bare reise opp og teste. hvis ikke jeg trives drar jeg jo igjen. jeg er ferdig med å gå ferdig ting bare for å gå ferdig."
"ja.. jannicke." (med en plutselig innsikt) "hver gang du slår på tv, så er det noen som har laget det du ser på."
"hahahaha. ja.. og...?"
"ja, nei, da er det kanskje en del jobbmuligheter etterpå da."
"ja.. det er nok det."
"du vet.. jeg er jo så inne i helsearbeid jeg."
"men mamma. man kan gjøre en forskjell med film også. politiske dokumentarer f.eks kan faktisk endre på ting. og det er vel viktig med kunst også, kanskje det kan gjøre folk glade."
"jo."

lørdag den 5. juni 2010

I can't be a boyfriend but I promise to be a considerate one-night stand.

I don't know how to do this so I'll be upfront.
I'm kind of worthless right now, due to circumstance,
As anything more than a person just to sleep with.
I can't be a boyfriend but I promise to be a considerate one-night stand.
Well, I said that once and it really didn't work
Even though I meant it but I guess I don't really know anyone who wants to hear that.
Well, maybe, I don't really mean it
'Cause I like people too much
Even if what I have to offer is not really enough or anything more than
You say you don't care
Your needs are pretty much the same.
You really don't want to date.
You really just want to hang out.
You two don't get attached
And I just can't either.
Okay great but it seems too good and I feel a need to reassert that the, uh, you know, my batteries are drained
And goods are damaged, mine, I'm in need of that and that.
Maybe this whole thing I did was naive and hurtful to approach you but
It really seems like you're not tripping but then
I start seeing stuff that's kind of not even there.
I'm bugging out, like,
Hey, what's up?
Um, I know it's casual but, uh,
Are you screwing my friend?
Um, wait, I guess it's all okay, we're all friends and, so, uh, you know,
We're all just friends
But if you two are doing it, I wonder, like,
Is he asking the same?
I'm sorry, though. It's really none of my business. You could d- oh, you're not even doing that?
Okay, no, you wouldn't. I'm sorry. Nevermind. Um, okay, uh.