I'm John Waters and I'm lookin' for a date – with you. Come on over, let's listen to some tunes. Wow, you look great! Come on in. Would you like a drink? Have a seat on my sofa and let me play for you the first record I ever shoplifted, “Tonight You Belong to Me” by Patience and Prudence. So stolen, so pure, so good. Of course, I can be bad too. “Jet Boy Jet Girl” always gets me in the mood. Wanna “pogo?” Go ahead, knock over the furniture, I don't care. I always feel relaxed if punk rock music is blaring in the background. Sit a little closer. Like the song says, “I'm gonna make you be a girl.” Want a popper? Here's the first tri -sexual song ever recorded – “Ain't Got No Home” - and God, is it a good one. Let's play sexual roles just like Clarence “Frogman” Henry does as he sings. You want to be the “boy” this time? You can be the “girl” too just as long as I get to be the “frog” – I'm just kinda kinky that way.- John Waters
All control freaks like me are looking for the person they can't control, that's why I asked you for a date. Listen to “I'd Love to Take Orders From You” by Mildred Bailey and maybe you'll get some ideas. Good ol' Mildred – that white fat girl singer who hung out with gay guys and passed for black. When she sings about “discipline” it goes way beyond race and gender and guess what, so do I. Want to be corny and sing a duet together? Let's be hillbillies and pretend we're stupid. Who wants to sleep with smart people all the time, anyway? Think I invited you over here to discuss the future of independent film? Hell no, I'm lookin' for a little action and “In Spite of Ourselves” by John Prine and Iris DeMent ought to do the trick. “Convict movies make her horny” goes the lyrics. Me too! Put on a video.
Wanna get married? Just kidding. Me neither. But listen to the great Tina Turner, when she was still with Ike, had a mustache and wore ratty mink coats, as she screams out the ultimate wedding song of rage and jealousy “All I Can Do Is Cry.” God, I wish I could have directed the music video for this song. What lyrics! When Tina wails, “Their friends were throwin' rice all over their heads,” she always makes me feel like popping the question.
Ok, let's lighten it up a bit. Need to take a leak? You might want to smoke a joint too. My next selection is by one of my own stars – the greatly unhinged Edith Massey and while some have called her rendition of this classic one of the World's Worst Records, I think it's pretty catchy. “Big Girls Don't Cry” – well, sometimes they do if their dates don't put out. What? How old am I? What difference does that make? Didn't you ever hear the expression “old chickens make good soup?” Let's slow it down a bit and get melodramatic. Love? Is there such a thing or are we forever searching for some idealized fantasy fueled by movies like Douglas Sirk's “Imitation of Life?” Listen to Earl Grant's voice as he sings the title song from the soundtrack. So smooth…mmm…kissing is so personal, so much like being in a movie. Here…lie down, let me hang up your clothes.
What's this in your coat pocket? A gun!? Jeezze, I knew you were edgy but I guess I'm old fashioned – I frown on firearms on the first date. Well, of course I understand rage and so would Mink Stole, one of my favorite actresses. Listen to her give Julie London a run for her money as Mink sings the perfect song for our awkward moment, “Sometimes I Wish I Had a Gun.” Sit back down. What else you packin'? Confused about your sexuality? Who isn't these days? “Trend-sexual,” “friends with benefits,” “bro-jobs,” all these modern words for dating turn me on. “Johnny Are you Queer” you may ask and so does Josie Cotton on the song that's playing right now. Go ahead, turn up the volume. Feel like go-go dancing? Hit it! I love to watch. Go baby, go!
Feelin' dirty? Who isn't with Ray Charles' “(Night Time Is) The Right Time” playing in the background. Let's go all the way! But wait to hit the jackpot until you hear the amazing voice of Margie Hendricks come in half-way through the song. Hold it…here she is…listen to her howl! Oh my God, she's gonna sing that line, “Squeeze me, squeeze me!” Get it Margie! Get it!
Phew, that was nice. Want a Jujyfruit? Yummy. It's nice to share, isn't it? Oh Christ, who's that at the door? What do you mean “it might be the cops?” Shhhh…they'll go away. You must be tired from running from the law all day. Let's “Hit the Road to Dreamland” with Dean Martin and cuddle up. Nighty night, don't let the bedbugs bite.
Good morning! Breakfast's ready! Poached eggs and so much bacon you'll get a headache. Ain't love grand? “If I Knew You Were Coming” I'd do more than “Bake You a Cake” as Eileen Barton chirps in her upbeat song of the same name. Sorry you have to leave so early but I understand with your name being on the news and all that you better get an early start. Bye! Come on over next weekend and we can “break up.” Isn't the best part of a good date missing the person right afterwards? I always feel downright “Bewildered” when I take a chance on love, so what better way to celebrate this risk than listening to Shirley and Lee sing about it? Isn't hearing Shirley's nasal voice even better than love? If I hold my nose and sing to you the next time I call, will you still love me tomorrow?
if you're lazy and want him to read it to you instead:
1. Tonight You Belong to Me - Patience and Prudence
2. Jet Boy Jet Girl - Elton Motello
3. Ain't Got No Home - Clarence Frogman Henry
4. I'd Love to Take Orders from You - Mildred Bailey and Her Swing Band
5. In Spite of Ourselves - John Prine with Iris Defflent
6. All I Can Do Is Cry - Ike and Tina Turner
7. Big Girls Don't Cry - Edith Massey
8. Imitation of Life - Earl Grant
9. Sometimes I Wish I Had a Gun - Mink Stole
10. Johnny Are You Queer? - Josie Cotton
11. Night Time is the Right Time - Ray Charles
12. Hit the Road to Dreamland - Dean Martin
13. If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked a Cake - Eileen Barton with the New Yorkers
14. Bewildered - Shirley and Lee