lørdag den 22. november 2008

"the internet should be made out of paper"

-connor o'brian

I completely agree.

tonight is a strange night.
I have decided to stay indoors even though Mattias Alkberg is playing with a new band in town, and some of my friends are there.
I feel torn between the urge to go out vs the urge to stay inside. there is a lot of snow at the moment and it is too slippery to bike. walking is cold, and also slippery, but nice. however, my epic trip out last night makes the decision an easy one, mostly because I cant go out and redo yesterday anyway.

I wish my neighbours downstairs that are having a party would have a worse taste in music. it is a strange wish, but it makes me feel even more alone when they play good song after good song, which signifies that they might be good people. I dream about going downstairs to be the boring complaining neighbour, and they'll be all like. hey, wait a minute, you should come in and join the party in stead. I think I would have very much enjoyed that. it would have been a scary thrill. but in stead of being both the boring, complaining neighbour, or the really cool partyneighbour, I choose to be the silent neighbour, humming along to the songs I can hum along to safely a paperthin floor away.

I like the internet. but at times it can make me upset/angry/stressed. I have like 20 mails I should answer. perhaps even more. they are all important to answer, because some people might think that I dont want to answer, which is never ever the case. some might even get offended when they see that I have been online (i.e. statuschangements on facebook and stuff). it makes me feel even more stressed about the mails and all the answering. the internet should be fun. but sometimes I get such a suffocated feeling. information overload drains my energy. I literally get stressed because of all the cool things that are out there, and all the cool things yet to be created, and discovered. and also the stressfulness on not knowing where to go and what to do. there is nothing more I wish for than going back to cph. and yet at the same time, staying here learning more about theatre and film also intrigues me. yesterday, an artist who is also a student in my class started asking me why I was here. why I didnt attend some artschool somewhere, which he said he would definitely see me as fit for. I replied I had no idea about which one to choose, or what to do there. I shouldnt blame the internet, and I am not going to. but there is constantly something I long for doing. I have a very short span of attention and I want to do it all. I want to act, make movies, write, take pictures, become a psychologist, do this, do that. start my own company. live here, live there. sometimes people say that its good its that way and not the other. that I want to do too little. but honestly. the things I want more than anything, anything right now is this:

-knowing what to do
-and where, so I can get/build a home with my furniture and my things, and my books, and my everything
-pursue what I have decided when it comes to making a living and do it well.